News Story 1
The school board votes Monday at 7 pm on whether to overturn principal Tonya King’s ruling on a student’s request to grow his hair out for charity.
The student council retrieved “350 student signatures in a letter written to the School Board.” These students support Stack and his goal to grow and donate his hair, 150 of these students will do the same, of which 78 are males.
“The letter was well written and had some good points,” said Bill Valdez, school board president. He had no comment on the situation.
“We desperately need human hair for our wigs,” president of the Locks of Love organization Gisel Roco said. The group produces and gives wigs to kids who lose their hair to chemotherapy treatments. Roco says that of 200 requests for wigs, she has to turn 150 away because they didn’t have enough hair.
“[Jasmine] was embarrassed to leave the house before the wig, and she was depressed all the time,” said Holly Stack, Jim Stack’s mother. “The wig made all the difference in the world to Jasmine,” she said. Holly is in full support of Jim’s efforts to support Locks of Love.
“[Stack] told me he felt helpless throughout the whole ordeal. He didn’t think there was any way to help,” said Gilbert Castillo, the student council president. He said “rules are made to be broken, and this is a very good reason to break one.”
“Had I approved Jim’s request, then i would have students every day asking if they also could break the dress code,” said Tonya King, “the school would be in chaos then.” King denied Jim’s initial request, but said she is “more than willing to help with a fundraiser.”
“I was disappointed Mrs.King turned my request down,” Stack said. “A lot of people donate money. Not very many donate hair.”
Cons
1. Your first quote has no quotation marks.
2. You have to use the name of the person not she/he it should have been King said.
3. Didn’t capitalize the beginning of a sentence in a quote
Pros
1. Have nice quotes.
2. Have good transitions most of the time
3. Had good ideas for the order of the story.
Determining whether to overturn principal Tonya King’s decision to enforce the dress code and not allow Jim Stack to grow his hair for charity, the school board will vote on Monday in the central Administration building. THIS IS CONFUSING. TRY SOMETHING LIKE THIS “THE SCHOOL BOARD VOTES MONDAY AT 7 PM ON WHETHER TO OVERTURN PRINCIPAL TONYA KINGS RULING ON A STUDENT’S REQUEST TO GROW HIS HAIR OUT FOR CHARITY.”
The student council got 350 student signatures in a letter written to the School Board. These students support Stack and his goal to grow and donate his hair, 150 of these students will do the same, of which 78 are males. THIS SHOULD BE A QUOTE. YOU DO NOT NEED A TRANSITION HERE.
Bill Valdez, school board president, had no comment on the situation. He said that “the letter was well written and had some good points.”
WHEN YOU ATTRIBUTE, IT GOES AFTER THE FIRST SENTENCE OF THE QUOTE LIKE THIS “THE LETTER WAS WELL WRITTEN AND HAD SOME GOOD POINTS,” SCHOOL BOARD PRESIDENT BILL VALDEZ SAID. YOU NEED TO FIX ALL OF YOUR QUOTE THIS WAY.
Locks of Love, the group that makes and gives wigs to kids who lose their hair to chemotherapy treatments, president Gisel Roco, said “we desperately need human hair for our wigs.” She says that of 200 requests for wigs, she has to turn 150 away because they didn’t have enough hair.
YOUR TRANSITION SHOULD BE SEPARATE FROM YOUR QUOTE AND IN THEIR OWN PARAGRAPH.
Stack’s mother , Holly Stack, said “the wig made all the difference in the world to Jasmine, our daughter.” Holly said that “she was embarrassed to leave the house before the wig, and she was depressed all the time.” Holly then said that she is “proud of Jim.” REVIEW ATTRIBUTION FROM ABOVE. THIS IS VERY CONFUSING. PLEASE READ, MATTHEW FONTAINE’S REWRITE.
Also supporting Stack is Gilbert Castillo, the student council president. He said “[Stack] told me he felt helpless throughout the whole ordeal. He didn’t think there was any way to help.” Castillo said “rules are made to be broken, and this is a very good reason to break one.”
Tonya King explained the reason she rejected Stacks request and said “Had I approved Jim’s request, then i would have students every day asking if they also could break the dress code” King said, “the school would be in chaos then.” King denied Jim’s initial request, but said she is “more than willing to help with a fundraiser.”
Stack responded and said he “was disappointed Mrs.King turned my request down.” He said that he doesn’t want to have a fundraiser because “a lot of people donate money. Not very many donate hair.” Stack is just answering the call to replenish the wig bank.
DO NOT END ON A TRANSITION. END ON A QUOTE. YOU NEED TO READ SOME OTHER PEOPLES. GO TO SABRINA SMITH’S BLOG.